my punching bag

paranoid?

2005-10-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

another sem, another batch of classmates--or kind of. there're only a few that will be added to our section, and even though they are just a handful, i'm still worried about what might happen this second semester.

i seem childish and foolish but if you happen to know these people, you will understand why i'm getting so hyped up over something like this one.

they aren't actually popular, they aren't even close to being like those kind of people, but they surely have the kind of attitude that just....repels people? :)or maybe just people like me. either way, i'm not entirely comfortable with the idea of having them with our class for a whole semester. based from experience, they are the type that doesn't really give a damn to other people and i don't know if they do it on purpose but they sure seem rude when others are talking. they haven't done it to me--yet--and i sure hope that they won't because i sure as hell won't let them get away with it.

so should i get worried? or am i just getting paranoid over something so petty?

Would you stand by the sidelines?

2005-09-10T05:11:00.001-07:00

It is no secret that teenagers today are highly prone into committing suicide. Heck, its even an "in" thing in most circles, and if you have numerous scars of slashes gracing your wrists as though you've been etching on your skin your own bracelet design, you're going to be regarded as one of the cool kids. One who have guts, so to speak. Ha! Oh please.
isn't it disturbing that kids nowadays get a kick from hurting themselves? isn't it disturbing that adolescents--well, most of us, I think--believe this is the only way for them to get people's attention and actually be able to feel they are alive? its not only disturbing but its also pathetic. really, it is. You're actually not cool when you've done something like this; it just shows how weak and helpless you feel because you thought you can't change your life for the better, and you can't even put some semblance of control over what is happening to you. Which is why you turn on yourself and inflict some pain on your being. tsk tsk. Oh, poor, unfortunate souls....
the sad part about this is that when adults find out that you're harassing yourself, they immediately name you as a kid who needs 'serious mental treatment' and whisks you away to some shrink who just fills your head with some psychobabble. Not that I have experienced this yet but I have heard a lot of these through my mom. But anyway, instead of helping you out by being there for you, it seems as though they are ostracizing you more. You don't need other people to analyze your actions and intentions for doing that! You need the people around you to understand you and listen to you and to devote some of their time for you. Simply stated, you are just in great need of being loved. Yes, shiver and choke and gag and barf and roll your eyes and deny all you want, but its what every person needs. Not just superficial kind of love but one that you know would stand the 'test of time'. And how would you know what kind of love you have? Beats me, but I think you'll just know it when you have it. You'll feel it in your bones naman e. lets just hope that your bones aren't up to kidding you.
so what if you have a friend who is into doing this kind of thing? slashing their wrists, etc., stuff that would make other people cringe and wonder what is it they have found amusing in playing sculptor using their skin. Well, frankly, I don't really know. I mean, people have different attitudes regarding this matter. Some open up when you approach them while others build a shell around them when you talk to them about this. maybe the best you--WE can do is to be there for them. as in literally. its the best we can do, not to mention the most common, too, but its what we all forget most of the time.
so when you know somebody who has developed some sort of obsession over this kind of thing, would you still stay by the sidelines?

Gloria Gate

2005-07-11T01:33:00.000-07:00

read it people. its worth some of your time.

wahahaha, bealits! bayaran mo 'ko dito! publicity din 'to ng blog mo! :)hahahaha, joke, joke lang! pero really, people, read it. its good. :)

Culture Shock or Peer Pressure pt.2?

2005-07-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

now that i'm in college, its almost, almost a requirement of some sort that you should have a crush or boyfriend or boy friend or fiance or......whatever the hell you want to call it. and truthfully, its really annoying and disturbing my peace of mind. just like what one of my blockmates told me, if you don't have one of those things above, you are....antisocial? abnormal? pathetic? well, choose one or give another adjective. i've never been one who let other people and their comments get to me because, hey, i am my own person. i do not need other people dictating to me what is the norm and the status quo. but that certain comment has stuck to my brain like mighty bond and i can't get it out of my system. and the fact that almost all the people around me are fluttering around saying, "Shit, ang guwapo!" or "Uy, ang cute o!" doesn't make matters better. quite exactly the opposite, on the contrary. i'm getting tired of staring at a cellphone screen, looking at a picture of a guy whose name i'm forgetting once i take my eyes off his pic, while my friend squeals in delight and expects me to say "Oo nga! ibang klase!" ibang klase ung nasa likod niya o!

cynical? very.

but still.......is college really like this? or am i being subjected to another one of those culture shocks?

Missing Someone

2005-07-02T20:10:00.001-07:00

actually, its not just missing SOME-one. its missing EVERYONE. back when i was still studying in high school, i would often hear the higher batches, especially the fourth year students, getting mushy in the middle of the corridor or at the stones or inside the washrooms, hugging and pinching and playing with each other's hair tenderly while telling each other that they're going to miss high school SO VERY MUCH. at that time, i would automatically duck my head or look at my watch or strike up a conversation with my friends while mentally rolling my eyes and scrunching up my nose and telling myself i would never ever be like one of those people. its not because i'm planning on forgetting everybody once we've all entered college (talk about being ungrateful) but its because i know we can all still communicate with one other via text or phone or whatever. technically, we're all just.....one something away.

but now that i'm actually here in college, i realized the truth behind all those mushy stuff i have seen while we're still in high school. texting a friend that you're just so bored with theology is nothing like telling that same friend, who is sitting beside you, looking terribly bored as well, that you absolutely abhor theology. e-mailing a story of how much you want to eradicate certain people in your class because of the simple reason that the'yre not likeable--in your opinion--is certainly nada compared to narrating that story to your friends with complete sound and visual effects. the good old days are just so hard to find right now, especially when the people around you can't relate to what the good old days are.

now, this doesn't mean that i have taken my high school life for granted. God knows how many times i've acted like a total ditz in front of my friends. and God also knows how many times my friends have told me: "Ang drama mo naman, esqui" or "ES-qui, ano ka ba, ndi yan no....." or "Arte ni esqui o". Yes, yes, i've heard it all, but i don't really let them stop me from hugging the hell out of their lungs or squeezing them until their eyes pop out. unwittingly and unknowingly, i have become what i swore not to be when it was a year or two or three before i stepped into fourth year. i have become a certified mush-y person. which, now that i think about it, is no biggie at all. at least i have expressed to the people around me how much they mean to me and how much i will miss them and how much they have become a part of my life........ hehehehe, kidding. before i start a speech here, i will wind up this entry with words that we have all heard time and time again but really gave no thought about.

time passes quickly, especially when you're having fun or when you're with the people or person you hold close to you. oftentimes, we take for granted everything around us, up to that point when we think we, ourselves, are the only ones who matter. life is too short for that. maybe the best we can really do is be there with everybody instead of just raising our noses up in the air and refusing to mingle with the "commoners".

and to all of my friends..........alam ko na sasabihin niyo:

"ANO NA NAMAN NAKAIN MO, ESQUI????"

:)miss you all!

Wow, Sexy! hahahahahaha!!!

2005-06-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

You're a "White Angel". You're a natural leader in every aspect of life because you always try to do the right thing. It may not always work out the right way but at least you tried. You're pretty near to your family and you love being around them. You're not afraid of what people think if you except your relatives because you have to deal with them everyday. Everyone else, you don't. You are only afraid that you won't live up to what they want you to be though. You want to be the best at everything and you'll push anyone out of your way if you have to. You're a person with big dreams and ambitions and you're a clear thinker. You never do things on impulse but always think things out first which helps you a lot in life. You'd be the one to stand up when no one else will, and the one who will speak up when all else are quiet.

What Color Angel Are You? (PICS)
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My Type of Season

2005-06-18T00:53:00.000-07:00

You're a Spring. You usually are very close-knit with your friends and value everyone freidnship you have. You're a real people person and everyone loves how friendly you are. You're good with encouraging people but usually don't like to be the center of attention. You are a social butterfly and probably are in several circles of friends but it's just because you're well liked and you make people comfortable. You're both fun and wise but you are very realistic about life.

What season are you?
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What's My Element

2005-06-17T23:36:00.001-07:00

You're Element is Light. You are friendly, happy,social, bubbly, and can brighten up any one's day! You are very kind and a real people person because you have several friends (or at least should). You're cheery nature makes you lovable and your stunning looks are sweet and stand out.
What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
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pasaway!

2005-06-14T23:09:00.000-07:00

hehehe, first time i've ever done this in my entire life. i'm writing on my blog in the middle of a class discussion!!! padge brownie, nagcollege lang ako at kung ano-ano na ang pinaggagagawa ko. hay......i know i probably sound too much of a goody-goody two shoes but i can't help it! i'm actually feeling very paranoid right now because our prof might see me typing on this thing when we're supposed to read on something on the web for our quiz. Tsk,tsk! Bad Esqui!! oh no, gotta stop. i think he's peering at me over the top of his computer monitor. hehehe, this is F-U-N!

Damned

2005-02-18T21:55:00.000-08:00

by Shimoli

Boy you reminded me of putting these things into words and
save them, for rainy days
Your shamefull heart and sinfull soul
Oh I'm amazed by you and all that you are

*your devious ways you do the work of the dark forces in this world
and you're evil, oh yes you are...

**Damned, you're one man I just can't stand, you're
Damned, built your castle on the sand you're
Damned, how could i ever want you for my man i lost you now,
So why do I care?

You really knew right from the start
How to work your way to my heart.
And then you pulled the trigger shot me 'round the weakest
You're a disgrace,to the human race
With your pretty face

(REPEAT * and **)

Your devious ways you do the work of dark forces in this world
And you're evil...oh yes you are...

(REPEAT **)

The Love Doctor?

2004-11-25T23:47:00.001-08:00

I'm pretty sure there are several people out there who wonder why is it that everybody have love problems while they don't. Its not as if I don't have any problems in my life right now, but when it comes to this certain aspect, it seems as though I don't have anything to say--or complain or agonize over.
Its actually pretty funny for me, really. I mean, people ask me what they should do if ever the love-of-their-life (or maybe just like-of-their-life) suddenly gives them the cold shoulder. I don't know if they notice this but I actually tell them the same thing each and every time. I just paraphrase it so that it'll look like I have a brand new idea to share with them. But what's really funny is when I tell them all the bad things of what might really happen afterwards and then they start believing all the things I have told them! They'll punch and scowl and glare at me first of course, since I've just voiced out their "greatest fear", but after that, they agonize all the more, start crying if ever the need arises, sulk and sit in the shadows all the day and just stare into space as if they've just lost the very meaning of their life (which might actually be the case for them at the moment). Not only that, but they'll start thinking that my suggestion of what may happen is a known fact that is already set in gold.
See how 'powerful' I am?
Its very easy to plant doubts in a broken--no, lets say battered--heart. You start saying the bad things and they'll immediately disregard the good things that made them enter the relationship in the first place. You'll say that their girlfriend/boyfriend is such a pain in the rear for actually hurting them, and they'll forget the person they 'fell in love' with whom they've been willing to protect and keep no matter what right from the start.
I'm no expert in this kind of matter. It takes a lot of experience for you to be credible in this field, and it that aspect, I must say I'm a complete amateur. All I ever had anyway was crushes that just never last. But it doesn't mean that I'm asking for something greater than that. Well, maybe I do sometimes, but when I really think about it, I realize I don't really want to have one. Maybe its out of envy that's why I also want to have a crush-of-my-life, but other than that, I don't really think I'm looking for that someone out of love.
Maybe the reason why people approach me when they have problems is because I'm sympathetic. I'm not an advice machine since I often give the crappiest ones that never really work and I'm not definitely compassionate since I don't really approach that person's girlfriend/boyfriend/crush and beat the hell out of them for hurting my friend. I'm completely unreliable when it comes to those two. But when you want a nice, long and logical conversation regarding your relationship, that's where I come in. I don't know why I try to fuse logic with something that is completely different from it, but I do it all the time. Sometimes its because it just sounds right coming from a reasonable explanation and sometimes I just want to be plain cynical.
Either way, its really funny to feel like a 'Love Doctor'. But would it still be funny when I'm the one I'm diagnosing?

Insecurity and Jealousy

2004-10-16T23:47:00.000-07:00

It is understandable that you will/might get intimidated with people who have higher grades than you do. They are, after all, freaks of nature who probably share the same ancestry with Einstein therefore they could imagine otherworldly things like how to construct and assemble the perfect time machine which could also pass through different dimensions and cross the other worlds present in the universe. But anyway, these people are still human, so we don't have to worry. But when they start speaking about the cosmos and its connection with every living individual, try changing the topic as soon as possible.
But even if you get intimidated by these people, you don't have to attack them every chance you can do it. Especially when these people aren't doing anything to you and they are just their pretty normal self. I mean, they're just doing what they've been doing for the past years! They aren't gloating and flaunting their intelligence to the people around them!! So people who attack these 'geniuses' should stop whatever they're doing. They're producing nothing. They're just showing the whole world their insecurity about the topic!! Not only that but they are showing others that they are pea-green with jealousy with these people who receive higher grades than they do.
And drawing pathetic cartoons just to prove their insecurity and jealousy is just too immature!! I mean, HELLO!?!?! People who work hard in school would become peasants in the future while those who don't work hard in school would become successful!?!? Where did they get that idea? Are they nuts or are they just too desperate to overcome this insecurity of theirs!?!?!
Well, I only have one thing to say to them: GROW UP!!!!

The Ungrateful Ones

2004-10-06T06:59:00.000-07:00

Pretend you're in this kind of situation:
you're in class, doing an extra hard seatwork that would really make your brain shrink and dry and shrivel up, and its obvious that the persons around you are also having a difficult time figuring out how to solve the given problem. Then suddenly, inspiration hits you and you start solving the problem in the most logical way--for you--until you come up with an answer. Eureka!! You solved it! You got an answer! But you start rechecking your work in case there was something wrong with it. Hmm, seems ok to you. Then the person beside you, who obviously noticed your sudden enthusiasm to the killer-problem, leans over and peers at your notes and looks at you with big puppy-dog-can-I-borrow-your-notes? a.k.a Can-I-copy-your-answer? Expression. Being the ever generous person, you happily lend your notes to that person with matching explanation of how you arrived at such a certain answer. That person listens, copies your work then smiles afterwards, happy that she, too, finally had an answer.
the time for the checking has arrived. You're somewhat confident of your work so you just sit back as you watch your teacher solve the problem on the board. Unfortunately, something absolutely wrong happened. Dreadfully, you watch your teacher encircle an answer much more different than yours and you belatedly realize that your solution was the wrong solution. Normally, at this time, you start talking to yourself, muttering things about why should you study this thing when you just absolutely hate it and stuff. Then as you tried stopping your hand from placing a big X-mark on your paper, the person beside you, the one who copied your notes, turns to you and looks at you warily. Without even a hint of gratefulness, she tells you in a deadpan voice that you were wrong in solving the problem that's why she had a low score for the seatwork. Ok, you try looking guilty and sympathetic and sorry when deep inside you want to hack her head off!!
so here are your choices in terms of how would you react given the situation above:
A.) you apologize, say your a real klutz in physics anyway and just bite your tongue and take out all your anger to your overstuffed, overly large teddy bear who only had one eye left due to all the punches and kicks you have bestowed on it.
B.) no comment, no reaction. Its not your fault, really. And its just better if you give her the cold shoulder. At least no one gets hurt physically....Right?
C.)follow the statement above: hack her head off!! the nerve of that b****!! You already helped her and she thanks you by blaming you of letting her get a low mark!?
I don't really understand why some people are like the person-who's-beside-you. I mean, hello? You already gave something to them and they return your generosity by shoving to your face that you're really stupid and how could you think of a solution like that when its completely off the wall!? they are so immature and stupid and childish and most of all, UNGRATEFUL!! people who're like this should be persecuted and sent to the guillotine!! Down with them!! Eliminate them from the face of the earth!! Those scumbags!!

(Note to reader: If ever the situation above happens to you, the best way to avoid this problem is to feign ignorance and lie through your teeth that you absolutely have no idea how to solve the problem and why don't she just mind her own business and use her brain for once in her life.)

Shut it!

2004-09-29T02:00:00.000-07:00

I'm not really opposed to homosexuality. I'm even treating it as a common thing already because of how prevalent it is in my school. However, what will you do if a friend of yours just keeps on yapping about how this other girl does this things just to get her attention which makes her think that the other girl must have a crush on her because the other girl is treating her like 'someone special' and you're just so damn tired of hearing all of those things but you can't actually tell your friend to shut up or else because she'll get hurt if you do it?
its pretty funny how some people twist things around so that they won't come out as the desperate ones. Its also funny that they keep on beating around the bush when you already know what they're gonna say but you still find sweet torture in seeing them all shy and uncertain of how they're gonna say that thing they want to say. And its incredibly funny how they always try to deny the truth when awhile ago they're already stating the facts that they like that person.
the whole thing's actually fine with me, but I can't very much relate if the object of my friend's desire is also a girl. I mean, hello? I also have the same physique as her crush: I have boobs and a butt and a face and arms and hands and feet and hair....You know, I also possess those things, too. And the fact that her crush doesn't actually look like a guy only make things weirder for me.
now, pretend you're in my shoes......what're you gonna do?

Somebody To Love

2004-09-24T21:20:00.000-07:00

by Queen

Can anybody find me somebody to love

Ooh, each morning I get up I die a little
Can barely stand on my feet
(Take a look at yourself) Take a look in the mirror and cry (and cry)
Lord what you're doing to me (yeah yeah)
I have spent all my years in believing you
But I just can't get no relief, Lord!
Somebody (somebody) ooh somebody (somebody)
Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

Yeah
I work hard (he works hard) every day of my life
I work till I ache in my bones
At the end (at the end of the day)
I take home my hard earned pay all on my own
I get down (down) on my knees (knees)
And I start to pray
Till the tears run down from my eyes
Lord somebody (somebody), ooh somebody
(Please) Can anybody find me somebody to love ?

(He works hard)
Everyday (everyday) - I try and I try and I try
But everybody wants to put me down
They say I'm going crazy
They say I got a lot of water in my brain
Ah, got no common sense
I got nobody left to believe in
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
Oh Lord
Ooh somebody - ooh somebody
Can anybody find me somebody to love ?
(Can anybody find me someone to love)

Got no feel, I got no rhythm
I just keep losing my beat (You just keep losing and losing)
I'm OK, I'm alright (he's alright - he's alright)
I ain't gonna face no defeat (yeah yeah)
I just gotta get out of this prison cell
One day (someday) I'm gonna be free, Lord!
Find me somebody to love

Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love love love
Find me somebody to love
Find me somebody to love somebody somebody somebody somebody

Somebody find me
Somebody find me somebody to love
Can anybody find me somebody to love ?
(Find me somebody to love)
Ooh
(Find me somebody to love)
Find me somebody, somebody (find me somebody to love) somebody, somebody to love
(Find me somebody to love)
Find me, find me, find me, find me, find me
Ooh - somebody to love
(Find me somebody to love)
Ooh
(Find me somebody to love)
Find me, find me, find me somebody to love
(Find me somebody to love)
Anybody, anywhere, anybody find me somebody to love love love!

Wooo somebody find me, find me love.

Japanese Animation

2004-09-21T01:25:00.000-07:00

When people found out that you are an anime fanatic, their immediate reaction is: "Yuck! talaga?? BAKIT??" and then you're stuck between admitting your true love for anime or denying what you've said by cracking up some lame excuse like, 'Ay, Hindi. matagal na yun. Hindi na ako mahilig ngayon.'
What's up with people and their "discrimination" towards anime fans? Its not as if anime fanatics are lower than them already just because they fall in love with characters who only exist in paper!! And so what if they love to draw anime all the time, sing Japanese songs in the bathroom and speak and write in Japanese due to anime influence? Are they any different to those people who adores superstars/the girls/boy next door and sighs and daydreams and doodles in their notebooks with glazed eyes the names of their million crushes in the planet? THEY ARE NOT!! They bloody well are not so people should damn well stop considering anime fanatics as immature and childish persons!!!

Ms. Dependent

2004-09-16T08:56:00.000-07:00

Why can't people do something on their own? Why do they have to be so utterly, annoyingly, hopelessly dependent? I'm excluding babies, toddlers and elderly, of course, but what about adults--and teenagers?
Its really so frustrating when people come up to you to say, "Hey, let's do our project.", then you will all sit down to start it, then you will realize after 10 minutes that they are just sitting there, looking expectantly at you as if you're commander of their battalion who's aboard the next ship being dispatched to the war zone. Hello? Do they still need others to tell them what to do? Why can't they figure it out for themselves!? Where's the bloody adventure in their lives, for crying out loud!!! They are so annoying that I really want to bite them if ever they do that to me one more time. I'm not their leader in the first place! And don't they ever use their brains?!?
I can't really believe how they manage to survive grade school and high school with that kind of attitude. I can't believe how they also managed to get away from it. I can't believe that other "sensible" and "independent" people are also letting them do it.
Most of all, I can't believe they have still plans to go to college.

Peer Pressure

2004-09-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

There are different kinds of peer pressure, but what I would want to focus right now is the kind of peer pressure wherein the victim doesn't really have any choice but to obey or else. Bullying, although very prevalent in whatever school you are in, is obviously a very unhealthy activity for the one who's doing the bullying and the one being bullied. The mere thought of it is not very likeable either, so why do people still do it? I mean, HELLO!?!? What do you get by forcing other people to do what you want??? To look "cool" and "hip" and "popular"?? OH, PLEASE. If you have an IQ average which consists of only 1 unit, I think u have sufficient reason to stoop so low to this kind of attitude. Not to mention that maybe you also have huge personal insecurity issues. And aren't those bullies aware that they are not only increasing their negative popularity to the crowd, but they're also decreasing their brains' activity, therefore letting their IQ average drop below 0? And don't they realize that the person they've bullied might retaliate dangerously? Seriously, if those people do not want others whispering behind their backs and backstabbing them, then they should stop their bullying sessions pronto!

The Church and the Bible

2004-09-08T07:12:00.000-07:00

it is actually very hard to understand the Bible using the context of the world today. there are a lot of contradictions and confusions that people, especially the youth, are experiencing, and unfortunately, the Church isn't much of a big help. i mean, there are a lot of priests who're ineffective when they are sharing the Word of God, especially in their homilies, therefore the people are having a hard time understanding AND applying the teachings of Christ. they don't actually give a simple example of how we could actually imitate Christ's way, and most of the time, they just keep droning on and on about their own experiences(or other people's) on some things, which is actually very far from the day's Bible scripture. sometimes its even worse--they just read a page long summary of something and expect the crowd to understand what they've said. i'm not blaming all the priests existing in the world, but i just hope that the Church will really monitor their 'messengers of God's word' in such a way that those 'messengers' would bring the people closer to God.
i'm not only frustrated with the priests, but also with the Bible itself. i'm not really challenging God's supremacy or anything, but frankly, the things written in the Bible seems a bit illogical and impractical in our world today. for example: its really stupid of you if you give everything that you have to your neighbors. i'm not saying that its not good to share, but what if those people you call neighbors take advantage of your kindness? you still give them everything you have, believing that there will be a much, much better reward in the end anyway even if you're now just living in scraps because you actually gave your all to everyone? and there's also the irony in the Bible saying that we should be humble and consider ourselves 'unworthy' so that in the end we will be the ones who're on the top, but we should also be proud of ourselves as God's children, and we should always value ourselves, our possessions, talents, capabilities, etc.... and all those things. so which should we follow?? the former or the latter? and don't you think it is also a bit selfish of us if we think of how we could actually be at the top, higher than everybody else? how we always strive to be higher than those people who're unfaithful to God?
and what's with those mortal sins? anger, pride, lust, envy, gluttony, covetousness, sloth..... does this mean that if we ever get lazy, we're already comitting a sin? that it is wrong to compare ourselves to other people?
so my real questions are these: what is God's true message to us as His children? and how can we be worthy of this title?